%20(2).png) |
Me on MLK day. 2025. Oya Obinidodo. All rights reserved. |
Lately, I've been going through some things that make me feel like I'm about to die. I should live to see 85 years, which means I have over 50 years left, so I don't know why I'm so paranoid and worried about it. I'm going to explain the things that make me feel like I'm going to die.
I have severe abdominal pain caused by menstrual cramps and inflammation
The first thing is severe abdominal pain. The pain is so severe, it feels like I am going to die. My menstrual cycle is what's causing the pain. There is a sharp, throbbing pain when my uterus contracts and it feels like someone is stabbing me in the abdomen with a knife and twisting the knife around. That's the only way I know how to describe it.
The pain gets worse after eating salty foods or sugar. Yesterday, I ate the leftover food from my solo picnic and a whole bag of chocolate cones and then my lower abdomen was on fire. The pain was so intense that I took a Tylenol and it didn't help. I wanted to buy some Midol heating pads and Midol pills, but I couldn't afford them. I am forced to suffer the period cramps in pain. It seems like the more I shop, the more stuff I need.
Today, to avoid inflammation, I'm going to try eating some fish (with no salt) with toast and rice or something and eat a cherry pie for dessert, with fruit, tea, and water. I don't know if that will help or not. I'm already in pain, I don't want to make the pain skyrocket.
I have a respiratory infection
Another reason why I feel like I'm bout to die is because yesterday I was diagnosed with a respiratory infection after seeking medical attention. I didn't even know that I had a respiratory problem. I don't know how that happened, but according to my research, smokers are at number one risk. I guess I was hitting the vape a little to hard.
A vape should not be used more than twice a day, according to my google research. A vape can begin to affect the lungs after only three days of use. With that being said, the rechargeable cannabis vape (also slang for "wax" on the street ), that I recently purchased, should last for two weeks. I also have a persistent cough, which is one of the symptoms of the respiratory infection. I used to smoke Vuse (brand) vape cigarettes too, a few years back, but I stopped because I prefer marijuana over tobacco.
According to a google search, second hand smoke, stress, lack of sleep, and cold weather can also cause respiratory infections. All those reasons were the exact cause of the respiratory infection that I have now. Sometimes I inhale second hand smoke in public places, I'm always stressed out, I stay up until early morning because I can't sleep, and I'm always outdoors in cold weather making a YouTube video, and when I'm out there my nose is usually always running, even when I'm dressed for the weather.
I said in one of my SoundCloud rap freestyles "They hating on me like they got an infection". Now I'm embarrassed by that because I'm the one with an infection. I was actually referring to STD's (which I don't have) when I said that, but still, I didn't clarify that in the song.
I'm having panic attacks and delusions
I've been having panic attacks every since I was a teenager. I've had anxiety all my life pretty much. Every time I have a panic attack I feel like I'm about to die from a heart attack and I can't tell the difference between the two. For me, a lot of stuff can trigger a panic attack - especially mixing alcohol with weed, prescription pills, or illegal street drugs. A feeling of impending doom takes over and I feel like I'm going to cross over into the afterlife right then and there. It's a feeling that I wouldn't wish on my worse enemy. After about an hour, the feeling subsides, and the panic attack goes away.
The delusions are no better. I have an overwhelming fear of getting shot. No one likes me, and I don't know what they might do to me next. I'm always afraid that I'm going to have bullet wounds all over me and I have that fear every day - but why? Is it just a mere delusion, or is my life really in that much danger? I can't really tell and everything seems cloudy on a daily basis.
I also have an overwhelming fear of being tortured and murdered in other ways- mainly because serial killers are extremely attracted to people that are poor and needy, and are junkies or prostitutes. I'm not a junkie or a prostitute now, but a violent serial killer might still think that I'm doing that. I've lived in areas that have a high number of them and have been physically abused by men.
I'm also having an overwhelming fear of being poisoned with fentanyl. Yesterday, I thought I was dying of a fentanyl overdose after smoking cannabis. But why? After doing further research, I found out that there's no such thing as fentanyl being in cannabis. Fentanyl is only mixed with other opioids like cocaine and meth and is sometimes disguised as Percocets or Xanax if purchased on the street. I read somewhere on the internet, that just a very small amount, the size of the tip of a pencil can kill you, and that it is 100 times more potent than heroin.
I don't use cocaine. I've been clean since 2021, when I started releasing music. I haven't looked back since. I stopped using Percocets, Xanax, Ecstacy, and other pills that I was purchasing off the street way before 2021. So why am I still paranoid that I'm going to be poisoned with Fentanyl? Is it a delusion, or will I really releapse and die one day? I can't tell.
I'm not clean completely though. I'm just clean from illegal drugs. I still smoke marijuana and I still use alcohol. Some would still call that an addiction but I don't. I've used way worse stuff than that. I'm not doing anything illegal now though, and I've come a long way like I said in my song "From Smokin Rocks". Like, I literally came from that. These days, I've banned illegal substances from my entire life and independent record label, meaning they aren't allowed anywhere near me. That's the only way I'm going to stay clean for the rest of my life. I still have over a half century to go.
I'm always feeling like I'm being watched. I said that in another blog so I'm not going to repeat it, but am I really being watched by predators or it is it just a delusion? My anti spy device went off quite a few times so I can't really tell.
Conclusion
With all of that going on, I think it's safe to say that I'm always feeling like I'm going to die. I'm trying to stay as safe as possible to avoid death- even though it's bound to happen one day. I'm always doing research so I can educate myself as much as I can on my health conditions, as well as my former drug and alcohol addiction. I would encourage anyone reading this and is still in recovery to do the same.